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I’ve lost my innocence and I Keep trying to find it. How did i become this over calculative person ? How come I’m so distrustful?  I have had to deal with only one Betrayal in my life but somehow, a part of me drove to an unknown island and forgot to tell me the location.

I watch the Notebook and marvel at how Ally was genuine and unafraid in her love, how she wasn’t too careful to show the full extent of her love for Noah. I find myself asking, how come I’m so afraid?  How come I trust no soul save for my sisters?  How come?

I read about love and how people take that leap with no worries , and I almost suffocate at the thought of being in that situation. How is it that my heart is this cautious?

I honestly wish I could unlearn all this fearful knowledge and really live. Become a bird, spread my wings and forget about the wind. I wish that I could enter the playground of life and like a child; make a thousand friends, with no intention but love and companionship. Without the past like a bell, ringing to tell me that the time to face reality is here. I wish I could trust with no fear.

I wish that the hearts of those I meet be genuine in love but who I’m I kidding? of course some would be like the big bad wolf, as I stride through the Forest of life with this red scars tailing behind me from the past.

I pray I can see past his eyes of deception into the brokenness within – Hey!  A bruised animal is an angry animal-  most times, this wolves are also victims of the world and themselves, I pray, I wouldn’t be so selfish so I would let that light within me shine but if he chooses to stay blind, I pray that as I walk away, I would continually pray for him and hold no measure of hate against him. I wish I would be more like the three Young boys faced before the fire, if I  be burned for God to be glorified, then so be it.

I know I’m free but we all know that it isn’t freedom until we choose to walk out of slavery. I wish that someday; I’ll be totally free with no limitation from myself, free like a bird. I pray that someday, my actions and my spirit would mirror each other. I pray that one day when the earth is done with me, I would be known for none else, save love.

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